Rambling's of a Silly Lady

If you read those blog entries you can see how much it means to me to have a child. I go online and look at baby stuff all the time. I look at all the cribs and the ways I could decorate a nursery. Shoot I go as far as looking at set for toddlers and young children.

It's crazy but I want to have twins or more.

Yes it is insane. Don't ask me why. It's just been my dream. I love babies, I love kids. I love teaching them, I love playing with them. I like seeing as they discover new things.

Why do I want kids so bad? I don't know. I always have. Most dream of travel, of work, I dreamed of a family. Of a simple life.

I know now isn't the time. I know that. I just want to know that it is a possibility. Who knows what will happen so many things can change.

I think I would be a good mother, I know Rob would be an amazing father. I THINK our parents would be good grandparents.

Lord I really am rambling. I will end this now.

Reasons

(OLD BLOG FROM OLD BLOG REPOSTING)

I am 24 years old and married. We are very happy, and have been married for a little over a year.

We have spoken a lot about having kids, we are not doing it anytime soon. We want to wait till we are finically stable.

The problem is my families mental health. My family has a very long history of mental instability. Ranging from depression to bipolar. My brother is bipolar and it has been an uphill battle to keep him safe. We still fight to this day to make sure he keeps up with meds, and treatment. My brother has tried to kill himself more than once. Is it wrong of me not to want to pass that on to my child? I have seen my brother suffer. My mothers tears when she had to leave him in the hospital. My fear of losing my brother.

I ask myself how can I take that risk to bring a child into this world that might possibly face the same fight as my brother. I don't think I am strong enough to do it.We have considered adoption, I have always wanted to adopt. My husband also said he would like to adopt but still would like to have a child of our own. We did discuss this before getting married but since than things have happened that have really made me change my mind.

My Hearts Desire

(Old blogs from and old blog just putting them here.)

Some people find it weird that I feel like I was born to be a mother. More than anything ever in my whole I have wanted to be a mother My hearts desire to be a mother.

Children have this glow that brightens a room. That bring this instint in me to protect, to cherish, to love.

Wether or not I have my own is what plagues me now. The genetics I would pass onto the poor child are scarey. I went to the emergency room yesterday and they ask you your family history.... I asked if I could tell them what we haven't had. Also that it isn't counting mental illnesses.
I have always wanted to adopt. So many kids out there that need loving homes. I don't think blood makes a family. I believe it is in the heart. That is where family comes from.

What to do? What would you do?

Things Seem So Hard

Why does it seem like everyone can have kids but me? Why do I feel like it will never happen?

I have always wanted twins. Triplets would be a bonus.

I have always wanted a family but I don't think it will happen. It has trully been my one dream. I have dreamed of having a baby my whole life but I don't think it is in the cards for me for so many reasons.

It is funny I hear so many say they do not want kids. Yet they have them. Or that they don't like kids but they have three or four.

Why does it feel like it will never be my turn. I want a baby so bad. I feel it inside of me, so strongly. It overwhelms me at times. I don't know how to explain to people that the thought of me not having kids is trully one of the most painful things I have ever felt.

I think I will post tomorrow some of the reasons why I don't think it will happen.